Creative Writing Degree From The University Of South Carolina

In college I smoked marijuana to cheat on tests,
wrote poetry in classrooms as my bulletproof vest.
I pretended to be crazy so I did not have to fit in.

In college I ate acid till I thought I died,
cried to my high school lover to preach at my funeral.

I missed my friends and drove drunk in their honor.

In college I asked dumb questions to get my kicks
and threw away every order from my soul.
I joined a frat where I was blindfolded and peed on.

In college there was a girl back home
I could never stop dreaming about.  
I stole a girl panties and masturbated with them. 

In college my frat friends picked a wasted girl and I up
and threw us in a room chanting “fuck her!”
I played with her stuffed animals instead.

In college I climbed to the rooftops at night,
feeling bizarre under stars, I made the sun rise.
I never had the heart to tell the sky it was acting.

In college I got prostitutes to come to the dorms
and paid them to cuddle with me.
I told fathers I’d never marry their daughters.

In college I fucked drunken insecure sorority girls
then threatened to kill myself in their bed.
I dry humped girls on the dancefloor to learn.

In college I had a nervous breakdown in math class,
baffled by infinity, I ran outside to solve the sun. 
I stole student’s books then sold them to the bookstore.

In college I stayed up for weeks creating OCD’s,
thought I had AIDS, and never studied.
My parents picked me up and asked if I was on dope.

In college I lived on weed, speed, shroomes,
peanuts, and other people’s pain.
I walked train tracks to God and gave up laughing.

In college I sold drugs until I got robbed at gunpoint.
I jumped a train and called my friends to come get me.
I chugged Everclear till I shit myself.

In college I tasted sex while girls smoked cigarettes
and sucked on virgin Christian tits every chance I got.
I jerked off my roommate but he never came.

In college I purposely smelled the shit of Indians
and had panic attacks watching blind students walk.
My friend was raped and I told everyone like Dr. Phil.

In college I bought a guitar and never learned to play it,
detuned my roommate’s guitar when girls came over.
I listened to Blood On The Tracks and remembered. 

In college I wrote short stories that never ended
about a guy looking for his contacts.
I never found my contacts.

In college I thought I was James Joyce and criticized
everyone’s art because I didn’t understand my own.
I freaked out the freaks.

In college I fed dirty pigeons my parent’s money
and got left late night in the middle of the woods.
I’d skip class because I didn’t want to face the squirrels.

In college I hid my friend’s car for a month as a prank
and agreed in handcuffs when he said it wasn’t funny.
I missed my family more than I knew how to miss someone.

In college I lived in my mind, demanding a cleaner ceiling
in my roommate’s brain, and paid teachers for grades.
I turned off the lights and woke up three days later.

In college I picked fights to bleed men’s blood,
vandalized historic property, and pepper sprayed myself.

I thought life was fucked and believed in someone else.

In college I cried in a fetal position in the shower
for hours after being visited by angels.
My RA advised my advisor for me to see a shrink.

In college I refused every boring part of me
so I would never be like them. 
I talked shit professors and tried out for the theater.

In college I made out with every ugly fat girl there,
smoked crack and heard my mother’s voice.
I was certain I knew but never had a clue.

In college it was always three am,
waiting on a breeze that was waiting on me.
I fell into a huge pile of shit and did not get out.

In college I learned experience is smarter than any
institute no matter how many degrees are on the wall.

I made all the wrong choices that turned out to be right.


If you want a copy of “It’s Hard To Get There When You Are Already There”, pay $12 to along with your mailing address and I’ll send you a copy